Step by Step
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Summer's death rocks Phyllis.
1. Chapter 1

Phyllis pulled her robe tight around her small waist. Her hands groped the wall for the light switch, the quick flood of light assaulting her eyes. She stood motionless for a moment, getting her bearings until the insistent knocking sounded again.

"Alright already! You're going to wake the entire building!" She sighed as she hurried to the door. "This better be good," she stammered, pulling the door open, her voice dropping off quickly as she saw Nick standing there.

"Nick.." His presence was entirely unexpected. Sure, they had been spending a bit more time together recently, but it had almost completely revolved around Summer and she hadn't even considered the idea that he wouldn't have thought anything other than that. Of course, as they say, perception is reality.

"Can I come in, Phyllis?"

It was his tone that struck her. Not friendly, but not unfriendly either—almost entirely devoid of emotion. Numb. She nodded, stepping aside for him to walk past her.

"Not to be rude, Nick, but do you have any idea what time it is?" She smiled at him, a feeble attempt to lighten the mood. She'd always been able to joke with him, but tonight seemed different, heavier..something she couldn't quite pinpoint.

"I know…I'm sorry. It's just…I had to talk to you. It's important." He looked at her, really looked at her. Something he hadn't done in a long time.

She crossed her arms tighter across her chest, as if somehow she could feel the weight of his gaze. It made her feel exposed and vulnerable. Nick had a way of doing that to her.

He knew Phyllis was strong. He'd seen it. He'd experienced it. The things she'd been through in the past few years would have broken most people, but not her. She rose out of it, a little battered, but still here, still standing. Looking at her now, he hated the thought of crushing her again—of saying the words that had to be said.

"Why don't you sit down?"

It was as if all the air suddenly left the room. She felt her skin grow cold, the heavy feeling of dread now weighing heavy in her chest. Her feet seemed unbearably heavy as she forced herself to move, to step closer to him. "Why?" Her eyes now fixed on his, trying to discern the meaning behind his request. "What's wrong, Nick?"

The tremor in her voice told him she already understood. She knew, just as he did. It was instinct—when something horrible happened to your child. When someone was about to tell you the worst thing you could ever hear, before it happens, you somehow know….

Her hand flew up to her face, her fingers trembling as they clasp tight against her lips. His arms wrapped around her just before her legs gave out beneath her and he stepped backwards slowly, easing her onto the couch.

"What…Where…" There were questions that needed answers, but she couldn't get her brain to process the words. She looked up at him, her eyes screaming. "Oh, God…"

"It's okay." Nick took her hand. It wasn't okay. Nothing about this was okay, but lying to her to keep them both sane seemed like a small sin in comparison to the wrongs that had happened tonight. "I don't know all the details," he admitted. "Paul called me. It was a car accident, just outside of town. He was at the scene, but…" He paused to take a breath. "They need us to come identify the body."

"She's not a body, Nick!" Rage welled up inside her and she jerked her hand away from his. She jumped to her feet, walking quickly across the room. She jerked when she felt his hands on her shoulders. "She's not a…" She turned towards him, noticing the tears in his eyes for the first time.

"I know," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her as she nearly collapsed into him. His eyes closed as he lay his head down against her shoulder. It seemed wrong to find comfort in someone else's pain, but there was a kinship there, a shared experience that no one else could ever understand.

"I should get dressed." Phyllis pulled away. "I'll be quick."

"Take your time." Nick walked towards the kitchen. "It'll take some time for them to get everything arranged. They'll have to take her to the hospital first and then to the…." He hated saying the word, but avoiding it didn't make it any less true. "to the morgue," he finished.

"Did they tell you that?"

"No. I just know from when…" His voice trailed off.

Phyllis stopped, her hand falling from the banister of the stairs. "Nick," she whispered, walking back over to him. "I'm sorry…I wasn't thinking."

"You've got enough to think about. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine." He shook his head. "It was a long time ago. Go get dressed. I'll make us some tea."

Phyllis watched him for a moment, before turning and heading up the stairs.

* * *

Nick stood in the kitchen, his eyes roaming the room. Summer's things surrounded him and it seemed unbelievable to know she would never again be present here. So many moments he would miss. Much like the moments he would miss with Cassie. Even now, even years later, he still didn't believe he was fully recovered from that loss…because it wasn't just the loss of a child. He lost a marriage, a family, a dream…and now it was all happening again.

He knew firsthand what it was like to grieve alone and he couldn't do it again. It was the most painful, lonely feeling in the world. The ache could eat you up and, if given the chance, it would. He had too much to live for now. He had Faith and Christian. He had reasons to carry on.

Reaching out to grab the kettle, he filled it with water and placed it on the stovetop. There was something else too…he had Phyllis. She'd seen what he'd been through with Cassie. She knew the pain of suffering alone and now she too was suffering a pain he'd never wish on his worst enemy. He had to be there for her, just as he knew she'd be there for him. It was what Summer would have wanted.

As the gentle whistle of the kettle began to sound, Phyllis' soft footsteps began to descend the stairs. She walked slowly towards the counter, her eyes welling up a bit as she saw the mugs sitting on the counter.

"What?" Nick looked at her, unsure of what he'd done wrong.

"I can't.." she stammered. "That's her favorite…"

"Oh…" He reached up, grabbing another mug and placing the other back in the cabinet. "Sorry..I didn't know."

Phyllis stared down into the steaming cup, her hands still flat on the counter.

Nick slid his hand across, barely touching her fingertips. She jumped, the sudden contact startling her.

Her eyes met his, tears now streaming down her face. "I don't know how to do this, Nick. You've got to tell me how to do this."

This wasn't the Phyllis he knew. The strong, stubborn woman he'd spent many nights fighting with was now standing in front of him falling to pieces. In most circumstances, he'd hold her together, but tonight he simply wanted to curl up with her. He shook his head, his own eyes filling with tears, his hands now covering hers. "I don't know how," he admitted. "But we will get through it. I promise. We start with tonight and then tomorrow and then the next day and we go on like that for as long as it takes. We do it together. Okay?"

She nodded, breathing in a shaky breath as she brought the warm mug to her lips. Tonight was step one.


	2. Chapter 2

The car gently slowed to a stop. Phyllis lifted her head to look through the window. Every motion seemed to take such effort as if she were wading through quicksand.

"Where are we?" she said quietly, her eyes darting over towards Nick for a moment.

"I had to stop for gas." Phyllis hadn't said a word since they left the morgue. At first, he'd tried to talk to her, but after a few minutes he'd decided to let her have her silence. He'd never seen her like this before and if quiet was what she needed to help her deal with these first few hours, he could respect that. "Do you want anything? Coffee? Water? Something to eat?"

She shook her head.

"Ok," he sighed. "I'll be right back." Nick walked towards the brightly lit station, glancing back at the car before he entered. Her head had dropped back down, her chin now resting on her chest once again.

She jumped slightly as the door opened, having been lost in her thoughts for longer than she realized.

"Sorry," he said quietly, holding out a bottle of water towards her. "Just in case you change your mind."

"Thanks."

"Look, Phyllis…I was thinking—where do you want me to take you?"

"Back to Sum…" She stopped herself, her eyes filling with tears almost immediately. It wasn't Summer's apartment any longer. "Back to my place," she said softly.

"Maybe that's not such a good idea."

"Nick, I don't want to stay at the Club…I want to be in my own place. I don't want to be around all those people." The last thing she wanted was a bunch of strangers whispering and staring. She'd been the subject of gossip long enough. She certainly didn't want to be the object of their pity now.

"That's not what I was suggesting. You shouldn't be alone. What if you.."

"Don't even suggest it," she snapped. "Jack and I are finished. I'm not going back to that house. I'd rather be alone than be with him."

"I wasn't suggesting that either. I thought maybe you might want to come stay at my place..with me."

"Nick…I…"

"Look, Phyllis, I know what you're going to say and I know it's probably not the best idea in the world, but you don't need to be in that apartment alone. Summer's things are there and you're going to be there thinking about her without anyone to talk to."

"But Nick…me being with you at your place…your family will."

"It's not their call to make."

She sat back in the seat, surprised by his sudden assertive nature. In the past, she'd seen Nick stand up to his family over some things, but to do something that would almost certainly send them into a tailspin was not his style.

"I just don't want to deal with all that drama…I can't…not right now. I can barely even think about putting one foot in front of the other and…" Her voice trailed off. Anytime she even attempted to think about going on with her life she became overwhelmed with the thoughts. Summer had been the best part of her. Since her separation, they'd become more than mother and daughter, they'd become friends and not having her in her life…

"Hey."

"There aren't a lot of people who can say I know how you feel and really mean it," Nick said quietly. "It's the club no one wants to be a part of, but I do…I really do. I know what this feels like and I know there is another side. Right now, it's hard to see it, but it exists. We're always gonna miss her, but you can't shut down. You can't shut everyone out."

The tears fell slowly down her cheeks and she didn't move to wipe them away. There was something almost comforting about letting them fall—about knowing there was a physical symbol of her grief.

"Truthfully, me asking you to come stay with me is as much for me as it is for you. I've got Faith and Christian with me and I'm running on fumes most of the time. I could use another pair of hands and I'm betting you could help me out with that…not to mention the fact that we're both going to need someone to talk to and who better to talk to than the one other person that really understands?"

She couldn't argue with his logic. "Alright," she relented. "But just for a while..until things calm down a bit. I'll need to stop by Sum.." Her eyes closed almost immediately and she felt his hand warm on hers before she had a chance to correct herself.

"We'll pick up your things," he said quietly. "That's not a problem."

* * *

"Did you find everything you need?"

"Yeah." Phyllis smiled as she walked down the steps. "You wouldn't think a little girl could snore that loud."

Nick laughed softly. "Yeah, you get used to it…it's almost like a sound machine after awhile."

"I look forward to that." Phyllis walked over to the couch, taking a seat on the end as Nick bounced Christian up and down on his knees. "Trouble?"

Nick shot her a look. "This kid hates sleep. Literally hates it…I've never seen anything quite like it…and he's pulling on his ear again which probably means another ear infection. I've got some drops upstairs. Could you hold him for a minute while I run up and grab them?"

Christian was already in her arms before she could nod. She glanced back to see Nick heading up the stairs. Phyllis smiled as she turned back, surprised to see the little boy's heavy eyes looking up at her.

"You're sleepy aren't you?" she whispered. She drew in a deep breath as she gathered him in her arms and stood, swaying slowly as she hummed. Christian's eyes dropped more and she smiled as she found herself singing the familiar words. "And you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two…"

The sound of footsteps caused her stop and look behind her. Nick stood at the bottom of the steps holding the drops. "Told you we should patent the song," he smiled, gesturing to a now sleeping Christian. "He's out."

The reality hit her like a slap in the face. "Take him," she said, handing him over quickly as the tears burned her eyes. Phyllis hurried up the stairs and rushed into the guest room, closing the door and sliding down against it. She hit the floor just before the tears began to stream down her face.


	3. Chapter 3

She pushed open the door slowly, her lips so dry she could hardly stand it. Her trembling fingertips gripped the banister tight, feeling somehow her legs might literally give out underneath her without the support. The lights were out in the living room, save a small overhead light in the kitchen. That seemed appropriate—the world should be dark.

Each step felt incredibly weighted and difficult and she headed to the cabinet to grab a glass.

"Phyllis."

She jumped, nearly throwing the glass across the darkened room. He was beside her before she could even process his presence.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to scare you." His hand rested on her shoulder in an attempt to steady her. Gently he took the glass from her hand. "We've got bottled water in the fridge." He opened the door, the soft glow casting more light on the kitchen.

Just enough light…

"Here." Nick turned to hand the bottle to her, noticing then that she was no longer looking at him. He followed her gaze to the wall, his heart sinking as he closed the door and moved to stand behind her. "Come on." His hands were gentle as he led her into the living room, stopping to turn a lamp on before sitting beside her on the couch.

"I didn't realize she was that tall when we were here." She almost sounded far away, as if her words were coming from a place deep within her.

"Phyllis." There weren't words for this. He knew firsthand that nothing took this kind of pain away. There was nothing anyone could say or do to make this better. You simply had to go through it. If you were lucky, you had someone to go through it with you—and even then, it was hell…a hell he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy.

"I used to rock her right over there. Do you remember?" Her eyes were wide as she looked at him. She was desperate to hold on to something, anything of her.

"Yeah. Of course I remember. You were a great Mom, Phyllis. Summer loved you."

"I made so many mistakes…so many stupid mistakes."

"We all made mistakes, but that doesn't change the fact that we loved her and we would have done anything for her and she knew that. You have to know that."

"I know she adored you. She thought the sun rose and set with you. From the moment she was born she had you wrapped and she knew it." Phyllis smiled through her tears as she looked at him. "There wasn't a child on the face of the earth that had a more devoted father."

"Hey, she adored you too. In fact she was just over here the other day telling me how much she loved having you stay with her…how it was giving you two a chance to spend some time together. These last few months of you living with her really meant a lot to her, you getting to be there to help her with her business classes, the two of you hanging out at night—that was really special to her."

"It was to me too, but now…I…" The tears rushed down her cheeks and she couldn't find the words.

"I know." Nick pulled her close to him, her head falling against his chest as he felt her body shake with sobs. There was a part of him that wanted to fall apart with her, but he knew right now she needed him and somehow that was helping him keep it together. "About earlier…"

She pulled back. "I'm sorry I ran off like that. It's just I didn't realize I was singing that song. It was her song and.." She felt the tears welling up again.

Nick nodded. "That's just it," he whispered. "That's how you get through it." He brought his hand to her face as he carefully wiped away the tears. "You get through it by loving other children. You get through it by loving other people. You get through it by not shutting yourself off and by not shutting down and by sharing the love that you have with people who need it."

"I don't think I can do that. I don't even think I want to do that, Nick. I just want my little girl back. There are so many things we were supposed to do. There are so many memories that we didn't get to make." Her mind reeled as she thought of all the moments that would forever be left as dreams. "I was supposed to hold her graduate from college. I was supposed to see her get married. I was supposed to hold her babies."

It was all too much to handle. "What if..What if this is my fault? What if this is my punishment for doing the things I've done? For living the life I have?" Her voice was becoming manic and she felt herself quickly becoming unspooled. "What if my daughter was taken to show me what a horrible person I am?"

"Phyllis, stop. Phyllis!" His hands gripped her shoulders with more force now and she saw the seriousness in his eyes as he stared at her. "I want you to listen to me." Nick took a deep breath, loosening his grip on her slightly as he saw her face relax a bit. "You did not cause this to happen. Nothing you did had anything to do with this. This was a horrible, tragic accident. Everyone knows how much you love Summer. No one blames you for this and no one would want you to blame yourself."

"I don't know…I.."

"Stop it. Summer was beautiful and smart and strong and she learned that from you. You taught her how to be independent and brave. You taught her to love without fear or boundaries. You taught her to demand respect from people and to respect herself. You taught her to be confident. You taught her those things because you're all those things, because you do all those things. You can't quit on me now."

He could see the question in her eyes and he knew the thoughts that scrolled through her mind. Everything in her wanted to quit, wanted to curl up in a ball and die right along with Summer, but he couldn't let that happen.

"I know you want to quit. I know you don't want to move on. I know the last thing in the world you want to think about is getting on with your life right now, but I need you….and the one thing I know about you for sure is that you show up for the people that need you. I'm asking you to be here for me now. I can't go through this alone again."

It was like a slap in the face as the realization hit. She'd been so wrapped up in her own grief that she hadn't even considered his. Her eyes softened as she felt warmth poor into her again. "Nick," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking about you.."

"Don't be sorry." For a moment he said nothing, letting the room sit still around them. He felt her hand move to touch his and felt tears rush to his eyes. Until now, he wasn't certain that he'd allowed himself to think, to truly process the reality of it all, but now, in the silence, it all seemed very real. He turned, to look at her, her eyes reflecting the same pain he felt. "I'm glad you're here," he whispered, squeezing her hand tighter in his.

She nodded, letting her head drop to his shoulder. "Me too."


	4. Chapter 4

_"Mom! Mom! Help me! Where are you?"_

 _"I'm here Summer! I'm right here, but I can't see you. I don't know where you are. I need you to help me. I need you to help me find you."_

She bolted upright, her chest rising and falling in rapid succession. "Summer?" Her eyes searched the room for only a moment before she felt his hands on her back. "Oh," she whispered, the sinking feeling quickly returning. Somehow the panic had been better.

Nick shifted forward, moving so as to sit beside her on the sofa. "Dream?" he asked softly, already knowing the answer. He'd initially been grateful, albeit a bit jealous, when she'd finally found some reprieve in sleep in his arms, but it hadn't taken long for the nightmares to start. She'd flail her arms frantically, her face contorting into tortured expressions, her mouth sometimes whispering—other times nearly screaming their daughter's name.

"Yeah," she said softly, looking over at him. Her hand reached up to touch his face. "I'm sorry if I woke you."

"I wasn't sleeping."

"I can tell. You've got those lines near your eyes. Those always show when you haven't been sleeping."

"Yeah," he sighed flashing a sad sort of smile. "Sometimes I forget how well you know me."

Phyllis nodded. In any other circumstance, they could have joked about something, they would have ribbed each other about some relationship disaster, or given one another grief about a way in which they'd screwed up in years past, but now it all seemed so trivial. The one thing they'd always agreed on, the one thing they'd both never doubted was that Summer had been the thing they'd done right. She had been the only good and perfect thing to come out of their relationship. No matter how many people said it was wrong and that it shouldn't have happened, they could always know that Summer was the reason they never had to regret anything. If they didn't happen, there wouldn't be Summer and now….

"You want some breakfast or something?" She looked up now and saw Nick standing in the kitchen, already pouring what appeared to be pancake mix into a skillet. She stood up, quickly joining him.

"You don't need to do that. Please don't go to any trouble. I'm gonna be going soon anyway." The reaction was immediate.

"What?" He stared at her for a moment, his expression a mix of confusion and pain. She knew she was part of his coping strategy. As long as she was here, as long as he had something else to occupy him, something else to keep himself busy, he didn't have to think about Summer being gone. He didn't have to accept it. Maybe, in a way, she was playing the same game, but that game had to end—and it was better that it end now.

"Nick…I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate what you're doing. I do. It means a lot to me, but we can't hide behind each other."

He shook his head. "That's not what I'm doing. Helping each other, leaning on each other, that's not hiding behind someone…that's just being a decent person. That's helping a friend that you care about."

"I just think…"

Christian's sharp cry pierced the awkward moment. Nick glanced towards the stove. "Can you watch.." He paused, smiling as he considered the absurdity of the statement. "Ummm.."

Phyllis grinned. "Why don't I go get Christian? I think that's the safer bet."

"Yeah. I mean, if we burn the house down, none of us have anywhere to live." He laughed softly as he watched her head up the stairs.

"Uh huh," she muttered. "Funny."

* * *

Nick grabbed the plates with the pancakes and the carafe of coffee before heading into the living room. "Breakfast is served," he announced as he stepped towards the table.

"Smells good," Phyllis said softly, smiling at Christian who sat contentedly on her lap. "Since when did you become a short order cook?"

"Yeah..go ahead, get your digs in. it might not be gourmet, but I guarantee you, It smells a lot better than it would have it you'd cooked it."

"Touche. You ready to eat?" she grinned, looking down at Christian who smiled happily at her. She stood, hefting him onto her hip and walking over towards the table. She watched as Nick situated him in his high chair and handed pieces of pancake.

"What's the matter?" he said softly, catching her staring intently at them. "You ok?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "It's just…I was just thinking how nice it must be to be like that." She pointed at Christian. "You know? To be that little and to have no idea of how bad things can get…the only thing you know is family and being loved and safe. It's a whole different world when you grow up and realize that life isn't really like that."

Nick sighed. "Yeah, they just know the good things..but that's the way it should be right now. They should only know the good stuff. That's my job. That's all of our jobs."

Phyllis nodded slowly reaching out and slowly stroking Christian's soft hair. "Right," she whispered. She smiled as Christian turned to her, holding out a mashed piece of pancake towards her.

"I think you've got yourself an admirer," Nick grinned. "This kid really likes you."

"I gave him cheerios. He's easily bought."

"Nope. He's tough. We've gone through three nannies already. He's weird about strangers and he hardly ever lets anyone outside our immediate family hold him, but he went right to you. It's like he could tell that you're good people."

"You might not want to let your father hear you say that," Phyllis said with a slight huff.

"Phyllis." Nick looked at her, his face a little more serious now. "I'm not joking around here. I know you said you were going to leave, but maybe you think about staying…just for a while. It would be really nice to have some help with Christian and there's gonna be a lot to take care of. We're gonna have arrangements and packing."

She sat quiet for a moment. "I just think it might be too much, Nick. I can't just run away from everything and hide out here."

"You're not running away. You're here. You're helping me and who better to spend time with than the one person who really understands. Look." He slid his chair closer to her. "I know your instinct is to shut the entire world out, but there are people that really need you to lean in right now. And, to be honest, I think this will be good for us—for both of us. You can't deny that we used to have a really great time together, right?"

"We did have some pretty great times together." She smiled at him. "I always had fun with you."

"And I know fun seems like an insane idea right now," he whispered, "but it won't forever. We're gonna need that. We'll need that to help us get through this." He could see the real hesitation that still sat in her eyes. He took a deep breath before touching her arm, her eyes snapping back to attention and looking straight into his. "I need you, Phyllis," he said quietly.

In her life she'd been hated, wanted, envied, and a host of other things, but rarely had she ever been needed. It was nice. "Then I'm here," she said softly. "I'm here."


	5. Chapter 5

Nick pulled the car to a stop, letting the breath leave his body in long sigh before moving to get out of the car. This was the last place he wanted to be and it was certainly the last place she needed to be. When he'd returned from taking Christian to playgroup, he'd thought it was odd that she wasn't home, but he hadn't gotten worried—at least not really worried—until it started to get dark. That's when he'd started to call her phone. Again and again it went to voicemail. He'd sent her texts with no response. He'd called Jack, Billy, Michael, Lauren, and everyone else he could think of that might have any reason to know where she was. Then it hit him. He knew where she was.

* * *

He stood at the doorway. Part of him would be relieved to see her here, to know that she was safe, but part of him was terrified to see how he would find her. He slowly slid his hand into his pocket to retrieve the key.

"Phyllis," he said softly, his eyes surveying the room. He rushed over to her, afraid from his immediate impression that she might be hurt. "Phyllis," he repeated, the urgency in his voice eliciting a slight response from her.

"Just go, Nick." It was desperation, almost pleading. She had crawled into the dark hole he knew so very well and now she just wanted to stay there. She wasn't interested in being pulled out. He knew that feeling too, that instinct.

He looked down around her. "What is all this?" He asked the question even though he didn't need to. He knew exactly what it was. Summer's face stared up at him from every age. Phyllis had always been diligent about taking pictures, believing that capturing the memories of her childhood would give them happy things to look back on in years to come. No one could have guessed they would become memories so soon.

"Pictures," she breathed, her voice slurred and shaky. "It's all I have left now…is pictures." She reached down, her hand clutching one.

Nick closed his eyes, his heart paining as he saw the image. He remembered that day. It wasn't anything extraordinary—just a random day in their life. Summer was sitting on the floor, playing with blocks and Phyllis was working on the computer. For whatever reason, Summer suddenly crawled up on the sofa and snuggled in beside her mother. It was at that moment, Nick sat down beside them and snapped an impromptu family photograph.

"You remember this?" she asked, tears streaming down her face.

He nodded. "Yeah. Those were good days. Really good days."

"We didn't have enough."

"I know." He reached out to try and comfort her. "I know…it's never long enough."

"No," she yelped, jerking away from his touch. "We didn't have enough good days. We didn't give her the life she deserved. We were so damn selfish. We couldn't even stay a family…we couldn't even give her that."

"Don't do that." Nick looked over, the sight of two bottles beside her. "Phyllis," he began. "How much have you had to drink?"

"What does it matter?" she huffed.

"It matters because it isn't going to help anything. It won't make anything better. Trust me. I've tried it all and it doesn't make the pain go away."

"Something has to."

"Nothing will. I promise you. The only way you get through it is to go through it. You can't drink your way through it. You can't blame your way through it. You just have to deal with it. It sucks, but it's the way it is."

"I'm not strong enough." The words came out in broken sobs now. "I can't." Her eyes rose to meet his, the anger that he saw present mere moments ago now turning to fear and desperation. "I can't go through it. I won't be able to stand it. I feel like someone is literally ripping my heart out." She raised her body up to her knees, moving towards him, reaching out to him. "Please tell me how to make it stop."

He shook his head, pulling her close to him, feeling her body shake with sobs as he finally relented and let his own tears fall. "I can't make it stop," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

* * *

It could have been minutes or even hours, he honestly had no idea. Time no longer had any meaning in grief like this. She had been the one to pull away.

Phyllis sat back down, her hand reaching for the bottle closest to her. She took off the cap with shaky hands, not bothering with a glass, simply taking a long drink straight from the bottle.

Nick shook his head. "You feel better?"

"Not yet," she sighed.

"You won't. That's not going to help."

"I just need to not think about it. Just for a little while. I need this aching to stop. I can't go through every moment of every day missing her. I can't play this over and over and over in my mind because if I do…if that's what I have to do, it's going to make me crazy."

"Hey," he touched her arm softly, his eyes still burning with the possibility of tears. "I'm here. I'll help you."

"You're not in here," she sobbed, pointing to her head. "I hear her voice all the time. I dream about her. I think of all the things I should have done…all the things I should have said…all the things I did wrong..all the horrible things…and now I'll never have the chance to fix anything. I'll never have the chance to say anything else to her."

"Don't do that to yourself, Phyllis. Summer knew you loved her. Everyone knew that."

She was quiet for a moment. "I know," she sighed. "I know she knew I loved her…I just…it doesn't make the pain stop." Her eyes met his again. "What does, Nick?"

His hand touched her face softly, wiping away the tears that seemed to be in unending supply. She leaned against him, her body trembling. He didn't answer. He had no answers.

"You're shaking," he said quietly. "Have you eaten anything?"

"I'm not hungry."

"That doesn't matter. You've got to eat something. I'm gonna.." He stopped as he felt her hand tighten around his. He looked down, surprised to see her eyes staring directly into his.

"Please don't go," she said softly.

Nick nodded, swallowing hard as he sat down on the couch and gently pulled her up to sit beside him. "Alright," he said quietly. "I'll stay….but no more drinking."

"Ok." Phyllis stared at him intently, her eyes barely blinking as they weighed heavy on his. "I think you're right," she whispered. "I don't think that's going to help. I don't think that's going to make me feel better, but I think you can help me." She didn't wait for him to ask, she simply leaned forward, her lips pressing against his.

"Phyllis, Phyllis stop." His hands gripped her shoulders, firm but gentle—"This isn't going to help. This isn't even what you want."

"I want to feel something—anything other than the pain I'm feeling right now." Her eyes stared into his again.

The pain he saw there was so familiar. She knew him so well. They could talk. They could cry. They could scream, but it wouldn't change anything. They'd still feel the pain—but for a moment, they could forget—they could be what used to exist—even if only for a moment. He let his hands fall, his body relaxing, his eyes closing as he felt her lips fall on his again.


	6. Chapter 6

Her head pounded as she struggled to open her eyes, but there was some strange sense of relief in that – in the physical pain. It gave her something to focus on, something other than the overwhelming emptiness inside her. For a moment, that pain was her focus and it allowed her to forget not why she was here, but who she'd been here with. The sight of his shirt suddenly brought it all back and she closed her eyes again, the events of the night before slowly seeping back into her mind.

She forced herself upright, finally looking around the room, her stomach lurching at the smell.

"Hey." The sound of her movement finally reached him and walked over to the couch holding a cup of coffee and two aspirin. "They say tomato juice is best, but you didn't have any of that."

"I can't," she whispered, holding up her hand as she looked at him clad in only his jeans and undershirt. The idea of attempting to consume anything, even in liquid form was impossible to imagine. She heard his deep exhalation of breath and watched as he slowly sat down on the couch. He intentionally left space between them, as if he was afraid to sit too close to her for fear they might end up in the same position they'd been in last night.

She clutched the blanket tight around, her head pounding with newfound intensity each time she tried to move. Her eyes moved around the room as surreptitiously as possible.

"What do you need?" he asked.

"My clothes? Do you know where?"

"You uh … You spilled your drink on them, so I put them in the hamper." He held out his shirt to her. "Here. Take this. You've still got some things upstairs, right?"

"Right." She was a bit embarrassed at not realizing the logical solution and she quickly took the shirt from his hand. "Thanks." She watched him turn away, waiting for her to drop the blanket and slip on the shirt. The move struck her as suddenly funny and she couldn't help the laugh that escaped her lips. It felt strange to laugh, especially now, almost wrong.

"What?" It was as if he realized the absurdity of his action in the same instance she had and he felt his cheeks flush. "I guess I really don't need to do that anymore, do I?" He let his breath out slowly, wringing his hands as he tried to maintain eye contact. "I guess I just … about what happened last night … we should probably …"

"We don't need to talk about it. I just … I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't handle the reality of it all. I just needed to forget … just for a little while and I think you did too. And it's more than that too." She was surprised he was allowing her to speak and decided to take advantage of it. "I trust you. I know you and I knew that you would understand or at least I thought you did." She waited another moment. "Was I wrong?"

He extended his hand hesitantly, letting it rest on her arm. "No, you weren't wrong. I want to be here for you. I want to help you through this. We need each other right now, but I just don't want us to confuse what's going on here. I just can't help thinking about how this is like …"

It finally clicked and she let the air fill her lungs. "When we started …"

"It's pretty similar you have to admit only this time we're both in that same dark place. I know feeling this kind of grief is worse than anything else in the world, but I also know the only way you get past it is to go through it and I don't think either of us really wants to end up where we were all those years ago."

Phyllis shook her head. "No. Especially knowing how it all ended. I don't want to lose you right now. I can't. You're the only one that understands this."

"You're not gonna lose me. I'm not going anywhere. I promised you that I'd be here and that we'd get through this together and that's exactly what I meant. Why don't you go ahead and get dressed and we can get out of here?"

"Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe it would be better if I just stayed here."

"Because that was going so well last night? I don't think so. I know you're not keen on feeling like someone's taking care of you, but I can't just leave you here." Nick stared at her for a moment. He might have a chance at winning an argument with a hungover Phyllis, at least a bit easier than he would in her normal fighting form.

She wanted to argue. She wanted to tell him she'd be fine here on her own, but even she didn't believe that. This place held a memory with every glance and if left to her own devices here, she wasn't sure how she'd go on. "Okay," she said softly, "Give me a few minutes."

* * *

"I told you this helped," he smiled as he watched Christian's toothy grin spread across his face. "No matter how much you're hurting, a kid smiling up at you like that has to make you feel better."

She nodded. "I remember when Summer was this little," she said quietly. "Back when we could keep her safe. I wish we'd been able to keep doing that. I feel like I failed her."

"You didn't. You didn't fail her. You loved Summer and she loved you and you would have done anything in the world for her." His gaze shifted softly as his phone chimed again.

"You should get that. Someone is obviously trying to get in touch with you."

Nick nodded, reaching out and sliding the phone across the coffee table. He winced a bit as he looked at the message. "It's the funeral home. They need some signatures."

It was like a punch in the gut again, the reality slamming into her body again.

He could see it rushing over here all over again. He touched her shoulder, desperate to keep her from falling apart again. "Why don't you let me go take care of it. It's gonna be a rough next couple of days with the service coming up. You need to get some rest. He's gonna be down for his nap in a few minutes. If you don't mind sitting here with him …"

"You shouldn't have to go do that alone though …"

"I know the drill," he said sadly. "I've done it before. It'll be fine. If you can just stay here with Christian that'll be a big help." He waited for her to nod before standing up. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

She sat quietly as she heard the door close behind him. A quick glance down at Christian and she realized his big eyes were already closed. Gingerly, she stood and eased him into the playpen. The soft knock on the door stopped her just before she sat back down. Nick must have forgotten something. Her steps were quick as she headed to the front door.

"Did you forget some…" Her voice stopped short as she pulled the door open. Of all the people in the world that could have been standing there, she would have never imagined it would have been him.


	7. Chapter 7

"Billy." His name fell from her lips almost as a force of habit. Their last interaction had been so filled with anger and venom that she honestly wasn't sure she would ever see or hear from him again. After he'd lied to her and used her the way he had to help Victoria, she'd unceremoniously kicked him out. It was a betrayal of trust she couldn't imagine ever getting over, but somehow now that seemed so trivial in the grand scheme of life.

Still, the last she heard he was working in Hong Kong on their marketing division and now … he was here, standing in front of her. "What are you doing here?"

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, feeling oddly nervous in front of her. "Jack called me and told me what happened." He paused as he saw the pain in her eyes. He knew this pain all too well. "I caught the next flight back. I went to Summer's …" He caught himself and corrected quickly, "Your apartment and I saw you and Nick leaving. I figured you two would be coming back here so I kind of followed you."

She watched as his eyes now focused on his feet, as if he were somehow ashamed of the lengths he'd gone to in order to see her.

"I wanted to come in, but I was didn't want to overstep and then when I saw Nick leaving, I figured this would give us a minute to talk before he got back … if that's okay. Can I …" He gestured to the inside of the room and tilted his head a bit to indicate the unspoken question.

"Well," she breathed shakily, "It's not really my house to invite you into, but yeah. Sure." She could smell the familiar scent of his cologne as he brushed past her. There was something oddly comforting about it. Billy had saved her before, after everything with Marco when she'd been afraid she was falling apart or losing her mind or maybe both. He'd held her together by telling her she was justified in her feelings, by letting her scream or cry or whatever she needed to do, and by holding her in his arms. She shook her head, trying not to allow her mind to drift back there. Not now. "Christian's asleep," she said quietly as she gestured to the playpen. "So we'll have to keep it quiet."

"That's fine." He seemed a bit awkward as he sat down on the sofa and waited for her to take a seat next to him. "You know, when Delia died the thing I hated most was people showing up and telling me how sorry they were. I can remember thinking, 'What the hell is that supposed to do for me?' But now, I get it … They said it because there's nothing else you can say. There aren't any words that describe this and Phyllis, there aren't any words to express how much I wish you weren't going through this right now. It's the worst pain in the world. I know that … first hand."

The feeling of his hand on her arm made her jump. It had only been a few weeks yet it seemed like forever since she'd felt the warmth of his touch. He pulled back immediately, afraid her physical response revealed more of the internal feeling she'd yet to share.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. If I'd known sooner …" He sighed, shaking his head as he pictured her hearing the news from some nameless, faceless police officer. Losing Delia nearly crushed him and he had his family around him. Doing it alone would have been impossible. "I just hate that you went through this alone."

"I was alone. Nick has been great. He's been very supportive." Blurry flashbacks from the night before scrolled through her brain like pictures in a slideshow.

"That's good." He nodded. He and Nick were never going to be friends, but he was grateful that he'd been there for her. The last thing he wanted was for her to be alone and if that meant she'd been with Nick instead of him, at least he knew she had been cared for. Nick might not be his favorite person, but he was a good father and he'd loved Summer and as much as he hated to admit it, he also knew he really cared about Phyllis.

"I'm glad Nick has been here for you," he continued, "but Nick is hurting too and I get it … I'm sure there's some comfort in that, in being with someone that understands, that's hurting as much as you are, but I also know that there's a part of you that's trying to hold it together for him. That's who you are. It's what you do. You try and you try to keep it together but eventually …"

"I break," she said quietly.

"I'm just saying, I'm here and if you need someone to be here … someone that understands but that doesn't need you to be strong for them … someone that only cares about you and what you're going through." He looked at her intently, searching her face for any sign of what she was feeling.

"Billy, I can't … I know that you came all this way, but I can't even think about us right now. I just can't. I'm just … I feel like my entire world is …"

"That's not what this is." He couldn't deny how much he wanted to make things right with her, but he also knew he couldn't possibly ask her to focus on that right now. And even if she could, even if she could let him in, it wouldn't be fair to her. He forced himself to keep that distance, to remind himself that loving her meant putting what she needed far above what he did. "I'm not here to pressure you. I'm not here to try and plead my case right now. I know I made mistakes. I know there are perfectly legitimate reasons that you kicked me out and that's fine. I also need you to know that I love you. All I want is to help you and I'll do whatever you need. And right now, I'm not sure you even know what that is, so I'm gonna leave and let you think. But if you need to talk, call me – no matter what time. If you need somewhere to be, somewhere to think that's not here, I'm staying at the Chancellor mansion. Apparently Esther's gone to visit Bella and won't be back for another month, so there's plenty of room. You're welcome any time."

"Thank you," she said quietly, his sincere eyes comforting her in the same way they always had.

"I mean it, Phyllis." He turned to look at her again as she walked him to the front door. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here as long as you need me. It's your call."

She nodded, managing a weak smile as she pushed the door to a close.


	8. Chapter 8

Her fingers trembled as she pressed pause on the remote. If only life could work that way, she thought as she leaned back against the couch cushions. If only you could pause real life so easily, if you could hold onto the moments when things seemed perfect, when you had everything you ever wanted, when you didn't know enough to appreciate it … She stared at the screen, at the image that, at least for now, was preserved in eternity. It wasn't any particular occasion, which on its own made it special. It was just a summer afternoon. She still remembered how excited Summer had been to help pack a cooler of snacks. They'd loaded up the car and driven up to the lake for the day. Nick had been the one to suggested it, telling her that work would still be there when they came back, but that beautiful days like this were fleeting in Wisconsin and that they should make the most of it. Knowing what she did now, they didn't do it nearly enough.

The sight of Summer smiling back at the camera as she splashed around in her floaties made her smile. She was rushing over to her, into her waiting arms as Nick held the camera. You couldn't see his face, but you could hear his laughter. They were happy. They were together. They were a family.

"That was a good day."

The breath caught in her throat as she jumped at the sound of his voice. She'd been so lost in the memory that she hadn't heard him come in. His fingertips lightly brushed the tears … the ones she didn't even realize had been falling … off of her cheeks. She closed her eyes for a moment, pulling herself together before she spoke to him.

"Yeah," she whispered. "It was." Christian moved a bit in his playpen and she looked down at him, his eyes fluttering open for only a moment before closing again. She sighed. "He'll never really know her."

Nick nodded. "I know. He would have loved her and she would have loved him. She was good with Faith. They got really close." He watched as Phyllis eyes the papers he still clutched close to his body. As much as he didn't want to do this, he knew he had to.

It was almost as if she could sense his hesitation. "What's that?" She gestured to his hand, sensing his stress.

His eyes softened as he looked at her. He'd gone through this. He knew the overwhelming pain this brought. No one should have to make decisions like this. No parent should ever have to bury their child and yet they had to. They had to decide where she'd rest, what she'd wear. It all seemed so trivial and yet incredibly important all at the same time. "We have to …." He let his words float off into the distance as he put the pamphlets on the table in front of her.

The images seemed to swirl in front of her and she clutched her stomach as a wave of nausea threatened to overtake her. Logically, she'd known this was coming, but it was something entirely different to see it in front of her, to know that this was something that was actually happening, to realize that this was the vessel that would hold her daughter. "Nick." Her voice shook and she turned away. "I'm not sure I can."

"You don't have to," he offered quickly. "I can decide everything if you want. I just didn't want to make the decisions without you if you wanted to be involved."

"What I want is to have her here, Nick. What I want is to have her back. What I want is to have a chance to make up for all the stupid mistakes I made in my life and now …."

He touched her shoulder gently. "I know. But that's not possible. You know that. We can't change things and as horrible as it is, we have to find some way to move forward. Summer wouldn't want you to beat yourself up like this and she certainly wouldn't want you blaming yourself."

She swallowed hard. Somewhere inside herself, she knew he was right. Her eyes moved to the pamphlet again. "I want it to be nice," she said quietly. "Pretty, classy … nothing too over the top."

"Yeah. I told them nothing gaudy … that Summer hated tacky." He felt his lips curve into a small smile. It felt so foreign that he brought his hand to his lips. "I was thinking maybe this one." He turned to a picture, his finger hovering over the image.

Phyllis nodded. "That's fine," she managed. It didn't really matter. At the end of the day, it was still a box. She tried to block the idea from her mind. "We should probably go through some of the photo albums too … look for some pictures to have at the visitation."

Nick paused for a moment. "That's a good idea. You know, there's another person we might want to contact too."

"Jack."

He nodded. "I'm sure he's got some photos too and I know he will want to contribute something to the service."

It was yet another reminder of the mess she'd made of her daughter's life and, in the process, she'd confused and hurt two men she cared greatly for. Through some amazing twist of grace, they'd both seemingly forgiven her and, more importantly, they'd both loved her daughter unconditionally. "I'll ask Billy if he'll ask Jack if there's photos that he wants to include. I know I need to talk to him, but I'm just not there right now and …" She stopped as she saw the look of confusion on Nick's face.

"Billy? You're talking to Billy now?"

"Oh. I …" It hadn't even occurred to her to tell him, her mind was so focused on the loss and the memories that other things simply got pushed into the background. "Billy came back to town after he heard what happened. He actually stopped by here while you were gone to tell me how sorry he was about everything and we talked for a little bit."

"Oh." He couldn't hide his displeasure. No matter how much he wanted Phyllis to have support, Billy certainly wasn't his version of that. All that man had done to the women he cared about was confuse and hurt them and he wasn't about to sit by and watch him take advantage of Phyllis right now. "What did he want?"

"Just what I said." Her voice was slightly more terse than she intended. "He just wanted to tell me that he was sorry about Summer. Jack called him and he came back because I guess he thought I might need him. He knows how it feels after losing Delia and he …"

"Thought he'd use this as an opportunity to …" He mumbled the words despite his own best efforts.

"Nick, please …" She could feel the tremor in her throat as she said the words. "I can't fight with you about this right now. Billy and I aren't even a thing right now. He's not even on my short list of things to think about and I told him the very same thing. He gets that. Believe me. Despite what you think about him, I honestly believe he came here to support me and to let me know that he's thinking about me. And honestly, right now, I'm taking all the good thoughts and support I can get."

He suddenly felt horrible, the vulnerable side of Phyllis showing itself as it did on very rare occasions when she was feeling particularly desperate. "Of course," he whispered. "I'm sorry. If Billy came here to help you, then I'm glad he's here. I really am." He gently squeezed her shoulder before standing and walking into the kitchen.


	9. Chapter 9

"Christian really loves those blocks," she smiled. "He's been entertaining himself like that for hours." Phyllis stepped out of the playroom doorway and into the living room as she searched for Nick. "Was that the doorbell I heard?" She stopped walking as she looked up to see the rack of clothing in the living room.

"Yeah," Nick said softly. He hadn't intended this to happen so fast. His plan had been to discuss this with Phyllis as soon as he'd arrived home, but the subject of Billy had thrown him and he hadn't felt like bringing up anything else that might upset her. Of course now, he risked upsetting her even more. "I called Lauren earlier, while I was out and I asked her to send over some clothes."

"For me?" Phyllis stepped over to the rack. There were dresses in varying shades of black and navy, all of which appeared to be in her size.

"Well, yeah, I figured you probably wouldn't want to have to think about something to wear to the …" He still didn't want to say the word, not in connection with his own daughter. "And then we need to … I mean, we have to …" He saw her hands freeze as she pulled the garments further down the line. Her eyes darkened as she noticed the change in style and size and she turned towards him, looking as horrified as he now felt.

"These are … these are for …" The realization was more than she could handle and she let the fabric fall from her hand as though it was somehow cursed. Her stomach lurched, the reality simply sickening her. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair and yet it was still true. Her daughter was gone.

* * *

She sat on the sofa as she heard his hesitant footsteps reenter the room. The tears that were once so prevalent had now disappeared, almost as if she no longer had the energy to produce them. Crying took effort and she no longer had any of that. Surviving, the act of breathing in and out, was taking every ounce of wherewithal she could muster.

"I'm gonna make some tea." His voice was soft as he called to her from the kitchen. "Do you want a cup."

Her legs felt weak, but she forced her body to stand. She nodded as she walked into the room and stood at the counter beside him.

Nick filled the pot with water, his back turned towards her, his face staring down into the stainless steel sink. "I'm sorry about that," he muttered. "I should have talked to you before … Springing that on you like that wasn't okay and I'm …"

"Nick." Phyllis shook her head as she eased her weary body up on the bar stool. "It's not your fault. There's no real way to prepare someone for this. No matter what you told me, it wouldn't have made it easier to see or easier to picture in my head. I can't stop thinking about what it's going to feel like to walk into that room and see …" She clenched her eyes closed, the thought creeping back into her consciousness like an unwelcome visitor.

"I know." He touched her hand gently, his eyes saying more than his words ever could. "I really do."

The poignant honesty slapped her in the face yet again and she cursed herself for being so insensitive. "I know you do. You don't deserve to go through this again."

"No one deserves this, but we can get through it. We have to because there's too much left for us here. Summer wouldn't want us to just stop living just because …"

"Just because she did …" She whispered the words. Even saying them out loud was exquisitely painful. "It's just that living a life without my daughter in doesn't seem right. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children."

"You're right. It's completely unfair and it's against everything that seems natural in this world, but you can't give up. You have your whole life left and you still have to live it."

"Do I?" She huffed. "And what kind of life is that anyway?" He opened his mouth to answer, but stopped when she raised her hand. "Wait," she interrupted, "Let me finish. I was thinking earlier when Billy came by. I've made such a mess out of my entire life and every time I think that I'm finally on the right track I do something else that royally screws everything up. Exactly what kind of life have I created that's so fantastic that I should be fighting for, Nick? My daughter was probably ashamed to even be associated with me. And if she wasn't, she should have been."

"Summer adored you. You would have walked through fire for that child and she knew it. Even in the midst of everything that happened with us, I never once doubted that you were a good mother. You always put Summer first. You loved her and you protected her and you took care of her. That's all any child wants."

"But I couldn't protect her now. I couldn't keep her safe. She was alone Nick. She was probably scared. She was probably terrified and no one was there for her. Our baby died out there all alone."

"Phyllis." His hand wrapped around hers and she felt him squeeze it almost to the point of pain. The intensity of his gaze was enough to silence her as she searched his eyes. "You have to stop doing this to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You were a good mother. You _are_ a good mother. We are good parents. No matter what kind of mistakes we've made in our lives, Summer always knew she was loved. She always knew she was wanted and she always had a place in both of our lives."

"Daddy …"

They both stopped at the sound of the little voice. Christian toddled into the room, his eyes wide as he searched for Nick.

"Hey bud." Nick scooped him up, sitting him on the counter and pulling the shirt that liked to creep up on his back down over his jeans. "You all finished playing?"

The little boy nodded as he rubbed at his eyes.

Nick glanced over at the clock on the stove. "It's getting to be that time isn't it?" He turned towards Phyllis again. "I should probably get ready to run him a bath. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day for him. You're gonna get to stay with Monique tomorrow. That'll be fun, huh?" He smiled as the little body nodded sleepily again.

"The visitation isn't until tomorrow night." Phyllis looked up at him with curiosity. "There's no reason he can't be here. I mean this is his house more than it is mine and he shouldn't be …." She could feel the tears building again. "You should spend as much time with him as you can because you never know when …"

He touched her shoulder again, the simple gesture holding her together for one more fragile moment. "Let me give him a quick bath and then get him settled in and then we'll talk, okay? The water should be ready in a few. You know where the tea is, right?"

She moved to stand and nod, poised to go grab the loose leaf blend when she felt the small, chubby hand grab her arm. Her head turned to see the wide eyes staring up at her.

"Go."

Nick smiled softly. "He's a man of few words," he gently responded, "but I'm pretty sure that means he wants you to join our night time routine. Of course if you don't feel up to it."

"No. I'll come. Just let me turn this off." She fought the lump that threatened to well up in her throat as she walked quickly over to the stove and killed the heat. The sweet innocent smile on Christian's face meant more than anything Nick could ever say and as his tiny hand grasped hers, she could feel the tiniest glimmer of hope.


	10. Chapter 10

"You okay?"

She took a shaky breath as she felt his hand press against the small of her back. "There are so many people here," she whispered. "I don't even know most of them."

Nick nodded as he surveyed the room. "Lots of people from GCU it looks like."

"And she wasn't even a student there for that long. It's nice of them to come. I guess she really made an impression."

"Like her Mom, I guess." He tried to smile, desperate to say anything that might make this night a little easier for both of them, but she didn't smile back. Her eyes didn't even meet his. She stared over his shoulder, clearly focused on something else. It only took a moment for him to figure out what.

"Have you gone and …" She gestured over towards the corner. "I think maybe I should … maybe it would be some kind of closure or something, but I just don't know if I can …" Her eyes rose to meet his, the pain within him far too deep for any words to fix.

"I haven't. I know what you mean though. We'll do it together, but we don't have to do it now. We can wait until people leave." He reached for her hand, finding it easily and squeezing it within his own. "You don't have to do any of this alone. You know that, right? I'll be here. We can help each other through this."

"I'd like to help too if you'll let me."

Nick turned slowly, the voice behind him was disturbingly familiar. "What are you doing here?" he said as he moved into the space in front of Phyllis.

"I'm here to pay my respects and because I cared about Summer too. I mean, obviously I …"

"Nobody is saying you didn't care, it's just that with the situation being the way it is, maybe it isn't such a great idea for you to be …"

"Nick," her voice was slightly hesitant as she began, "It's okay. Really, it is. It's fine that he's here. He has every right to be here." She shifted her body from behind Nick's so that she could see him easily. "Thank you," she breathed, "for coming."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else."

Nick opened his mouth to protest as his eyes moved towards the door. "Noah's here," he said quietly.

"You should go." Phyllis forced herself to smile slightly, a weak show of strength in the face of it all. "Go on, go be with your son. I'll be fine." She could sense his hesitation, his need to stay beside her and protect the boundaries she'd set. It was no secret he was no fan of Billy's, but in this situation, Billy was the least of her worries. "Nick," she repeated, "I'll be fine, honestly. Noah needs you."

"I won't be long." He touched her arm again, the contact another reassurance that his support was still there.

She nodded as she watched him walk away. "He's been really great," she whispered. "He's trying so hard to be there for me that I'm not sure if he's really able to process any of this himself."

"Sometimes that helps, helping someone else, you know?" He missed her, being close to her, hearing her voice, taking care of her. "I meant what I said earlier. I want to help if you'll let me. Can we step out here for a minute and talk?"

In most other circumstances, she would have balked at the idea, but right now, the air felt so thick inside the small, crowded room that she thought she might suffocate. The prospect of getting out, even for a moment, and even with him, sounded far too appealing to pass up. "Yeah," she agreed.

He gestured towards the door and let her walk out before him. The night air was brisk and she shivered slightly as she walked out into the darkened parking lot. Almost instantly she felt the weight of his jacket being draped across her shoulders. "Thanks," she said softly.

He nodded. "I've been thinking about you since I saw you the other day. I wanted to call, but I wasn't sure if that would make things worse or not. I know how Nick can be and the last thing I wanted to do was set him off. If there's anything I can do, anything that you need or anything that you …"

"I really can't think of anything. Nick is taking care of all of it. I'm just trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have too much time to think about things."

"Well, that's not so hard right now. I know there's so much going on with the visitation and the funeral and all the decisions that have to be made. There's so much to do that you don't really have time to sit down and think about things. It's afterwards, when all the well meaning people have disappeared, when all the cards and flowers are gone, that's when it really hits. That's when it becomes real."

"It already feels real. I already feel like this huge piece of me has been ripped away and honestly, if it wasn't for Nick, I don't know if I'd be able to get through it. He's literally held me together for the past few days."

"I'm glad he's been able to help you." It wasn't a lie. He wanted her to be okay, no matter who was responsible for that well being. "But he isn't the only one that can, you know. I cared about Summer too. I know how important she was to you and I can only imagine how much pain you're in right now. I just want to do something to help … whatever that is." He felt his heart beat a bit faster as her eyes finally locked again. It had been so long since she'd looked at him with such intensity. Her mouth opened, her lips poised to speak.

"Can you bring her back?"

Her words physically hurt as she said them. "Phyllis," he breathed.

"Because unless you can do that, there's really nothing you can do."

"I …" He reached out in an attempt to comfort her. The once quiet, reserved demeanor was crumbling before his eyes.

"I'm standing in there trying to act like I'm okay, trying to pretend that I'm not about thirty seconds away from having an absolute breakdown. I'm trying not to look across the room because I know that if I do, I'll see that wooden box and I know that … I know that …" She felt her breath catch as the hot wave of pain rushed through her.

He reached out to try and hold her. "It's gonna be okay. Come here."

She pushed away from him. "I don't … I can't … You don't get to do that. You can't just swoop in here and try to …"

"I'm not trying to do anything. I just want to be here for you. I love you and …"

"Billy I can't …." She shook her head. His words were far too much for her mind that was already overflowing.

"You don't have to do anything." He'd give anything to be able to help her, to be able to make just a little of her pain go away. "All you have to do is let me help you. Just let me be here and …"

"I can't. I just need you to leave me alone. Just please leave me alone."

"Phyllis, please …"

"What part of that did you not get?"

"Nick." The word came out in a whispered breath as she saw his body emerge from the building.

"This isn't any of your concern, Nick." Billy turned to face him, his shoulders already squaring up in defense. "I'm talking to Phyllis here and she can speak for herself."

"I'm pretty sure she just did." Nick's eyes were like steel as he stared at him. "She asked you to go away and I'm not moving until you do that."

"We weren't through with our conversation." Billy softened his gaze as he looked back at her. "Come on," he said softly. "Just let me help you. I'll stay and we can talk afterwards, okay?"

"I've got a better idea." Nick stepped up beside her and moved her body behind his. "You'll go now and you'll leave her the hell alone. Coming here and trying to use this situation to your advantage? How low can you possibly get?"

"How dare you even say that! I would never … I love her and I know what she's going through and the only thing I want to do is …"

"The only thing you want to do is try and fix what you ruined." His words were like daggers as they shot at him. His actions had made him an easy target.

"I've made mistakes. I've admitted that. Phyllis knows that." He shifted his body, trying desperately to see her face. "I'm sorry about that. I've said that before, but I'll say it again. I'll say it as many times as you need me to. I just want to be here. I just want to help you. Please … just let me help."

Nick turned to look at her again. "I can call security."

"No." She shook her head. "Don't. You don't need to do that." Her eyes shifted to Billy's. "Please. Just go."


End file.
